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The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom has revealed us for the monsters we truly are. We were never especially fond of Breath of the Wild’s Koroks, but the worst things we could do to them was drop rocks on their heads after finding one or leave a pile of metallic items at their feet before retreating to a safe distance as they were struck by lightning. You know, good innocent fun.

Things are different in the sequel, largely thanks to a new breed of Korok who are strapped to heavy backpacks that prevent them from moving around and reaching their homies found only a short distance away. It is our job to help them on their journey, by any means necessary.

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During my review playthrough I decided to be a helpful adventurer. Dutifully carrying each new Korok I found gave me an excuse to create new vehicles while fiddling with Ultrahand. But soon my patience wore thin, and a twisted fantasy that had been bubbling away beneath the surface finally burst forth. I had the power, and could do whatever I wanted with these little wooden dudes. I immediately drowned one in the nearby stream and went on my merry way. From what I’ve seen though, this retribution was pretty tame.

Social media is now filled with disgustingly beautiful creations of Koroks being blasted into space with makeshift rocket ships, or dropped into the Depths following a flaming crucifixion. We’re roasting them like chickens and linking them up like the Human Centipede, with fans unleashing six years of pent-up anger from having to find hundreds of these little bastards in the last game. Now they’re back, and we can make their lives a living hell. They react in a sickeningly sweet manner too, treating what I’d chalk up as fairly blatant breaches of the Geneva Convention as Link simply being in a silly goofy mood. Then it dawned on me. We love torturing Koroks because they’re Nintendo Minions.

While they aren’t yellow, weirdly based on migrant workers, or love bananas - that quirk belongs to the Yiga Clan - Koroks are still blissfully annoying mascots that have become impossible to avoid in the world of Zelda. Wind Waker describes them as lost children who have been reincarnated as spirits of the forest, but in Tears of the Kingdom they seem to be hanging out anywhere and everywhere. Top of a mountain? There’s a Korok. At the bottom of a dark, dank cave? There’s a Korok. Under a pile of leaves I set ablaze? There’s a Korok.

Legend of Zelda, Tears of the Kingdom, Hestu during korok seed dance

You can’t avoid them, and given the rewards for finding them are so relatively meagre and each Korok has such a delightfully innocent demeanour, it only makes sense to drag them through hell. I don’t really know where they come from, and the same goes for Minions. We merely exist alongside them, forced to tolerate them, throwing them into the firing line and using each one for sick experiments that disregard their agency and further humanity. I assume none of them feel pain, so hurling them off a sky island into the abyss or using them as the balls for my flaming Zonai cock machine doesn’t express any bad blood, but I’m sure having a blast.

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